Effects of Childhood Abuse in a Mature Relationship

Today I am allowing my subconscious mind a moment of authority out loud. I am plagued with the past effecting my present relationships and self talk. Yesterday I posted my first blog and I am already having positive results from within. It is like working with a client only the client is myself.

I am in a long term relationship, with a wonderful guy who has his 0wn echoes of the past. Recently we took a three month break because our financial problems were in over whelm and had been for some time. The seven plus years we have been together we have encountered many heartaches. Bankruptcy , foreclosing , repossesion of our vehicles, eviction after the forclosure, moved back to Colorado, signed a year lease that was discontinued after three months due to the owner , lieing owner asking could he please return from Chicago because out of the blue he was transferred back. How convenient. Just like that we moved again. This time with a two year lease and hopeful for some peace and serenity and time to lick our wounds. Some of the problems were not our fault , then there were our issues to face. My guy is not so motivated and lack self esteem as to his abilities. As a coach I do know he must discover these things so hard as it is I keep on my own stuff. However, bad luck struck one more good time before we both could not deal with ourselves let alone each other. I was guilty of thinking to positive as to my practice and its instant success which we all know is next to impossible and it dose not help that we are all suffering from gas prices, and other financial stuff preventing the luxury of taking care of our emotional and spiritual selves. We know of course on an intellectual level this is true. But, we gotta eat. My part was also that I became judgmental of John. After all his is the man right. Oh, so wrong. We are equals yet society has those stereotypes that no matter how hard we try we buy into them. So, the last harrrah, or Ahhhaa! Was not pretty and adding insult to an already wounded spirit.
He left, I told him he was leaving. This was his home too. How I did this I don't know. Shear exhaustion and maybe a little divine intervention. I called his family of origin the one he and I had both abandoned due to the obvious. I called his sanest brother. I told him what had gone on and he asked that I allow him in to call. I did and it was decided he would move to California and find work with the support of his family. He was gone within 48 hours. His first call to me was collect...! I was livid, "and you call me collect." Of couch I was broke , and have a large child to feed and he was rescued.
He of course would had never made that call without my presumtive intrusiveness. I was sure the relationship was history. I hurt from the inside out so horribly I think I stopped crying a day later. This is not an exaggeration. So deeply co-dependent on this relationship but he nor I had the energy we had throughout the years to work on it together. It was last on the list. The weeds had grown so tall, I felt it would be a relief to work on just me and not worry about him. He the same. Sad , so much money spent on therapy, education, books, seminars, psychic- healers , astrologer and not one thing other than pure , raw human emotion could be recalled. Imagine my surprise. Hey, I was going to parent, coach and therapize myself, how could this be so painful that the phone was even a effort to approach. I called on my small supportgroup, (those who were left after the storm so to speak) it is painful to watch friends go down so some people jumped ship early on as if our lives and bad luck was contagious. I understand. I wore them down promising to call my professional and get straightened out. But first, I needed to find a supplemental job to pull things together. I made a call to a Mazda Dealer here in Lakewood the Saturday morning before John left. I interviewed the following Monday and was working by Wednesday. That was the best thing I could have done for myself. I so needed to get out of me and have something in place other than working with others going through this similar senario. It was good I was selling cars like a pro in no time. John and I talked every day and supported each others achievements no matter how small. For anything positive was a plus. There was of course the exchange of money back and forth to keep us both afloat when he said , " yah know , I have this great job with my brother" and I knew the dialog from there. Without any thought I started preparing to move AGAIN. I had one major problem though. I had vowed to raise my son without the dysfunctional component. I could not in any way up root a fifteen year old from High School for a relationship that was not even close to being repaired. I called one of his family members to see how the job was going, you know , some more of that meddling I don't agree with and his family went into a "Jan called Judy!!! So, whets the big deal. She and I had not blended nor did I blend with anyone including his mother. Now , she was in Nova ,Scotia. Far away, was my thinking. His mother was a complete relationship destroyer. Oh, and the grandkids too, if she could get away with it. This is a very toxic family environment. What was I thinking? Or, with what brain was I thinking? Anyway, the phone call caused such an upheaval that I made the decision to stay here forever....! I did. I stayed with the dealer for as long as I could stand the deceit and jargon. I was great in sales. I had found another niche. I had no idea it was an asset. I would just sell my self better now and maybe something else later. Either way, I did what I needed to do for me and my family. John and I still called every day to report our progress, our laughs , our dreams. The night he called and said you will never guess who is back in town, I merely paused. No way. Your brothers set you up to take care of her this time around. They were done with her as far as John knew. I would have landed in a hornets nest if I had conceded and left for California. I immediately thanked God and all his angels for that one. There was still the matter of John and mother dearest. He called on a Saturday in May. He said ,"I have one question and I need to know as soon as possible". "Hear it comes", rang in my head. From a great friend, confidant and companion I hear ,"Honey, do you want me back?" What could I say, we needed to work up close the miles were too far to pave.
One week later, on my forty-sixth birthday he drove from California after his last day at work back to the place he had come to love. Home. It was agreed, even if the relationship did not take the friendship I was pretty sure would in the long run. And home , was not with me, but in Colorado. Easy, right?
We are two months into the reunion , the newness or the return of the old has arrived and we will avoid it no longer. Issues. They do not use this term in coaching. It makes sense to me. Issues sound like something you can never be separate from. I believe all human kind can change. My mother used say, " leopards do not change their spots. I know she was wrong because I am one transformed person. Thinking of facing a relationship discussion with John was like approach , avoidance with us. Last evening I spent my last four hours in front of the television doing reading , chores, and general stuff with him. We have in the past had horrible arguments that turned out ridiculous because it had interrupted his regularly scheduled programming. Don't misread. I love to watch certain things. But day after day and a few pounds of comfort later I am not willing to let this run off in the ditch. I am afraid, it will be our first scheduled discussion around a sort of scary looking possibility to me. Here is where the childhood abuse steps in for me. If I voice something that I need , or something that needs to be changed or compromised or even just agreed upon my first gut feelings are abandonment, aggression, blaming, rejection, the most avoided is simply laying out the cards. I know from my training and interacting around this stuff for years that the outcome can only be positive. If left unsaid , denied, stuffed, or remotely avoided it creates a canyon within the relationship. You have find a way to the top with this stuff, carry it to your partner (if they make it to the top with you of course) and say your piece. Stand up and for your life and your relationship, your partner, your best friend, and simply put (this is where is gets easier for me) another flawed human being rather than take a chance on not moving forward. I used to think movement of some kind had to take place for sure. I know through all the wounds the worst is to not know someone close to you well enough to trust they will also be as courageous and not let another mille-second pass without taking care of your relationship with you. It is so , so respectful and such a rare quality to have. Especially when you have always known violation, deceit, disregard, and distrust.
It has been eight short weeks and the last two I have been noting symptoms of my disease. Depression, poor eating habits, and my bedroom is now on the couch. I have been on the couch for almost a full month by the end of each night for some reason or another. All of these symptom I had tried to medicate with television or worry that is unfounded, having a diagreement with someone else. Any excuse to not look at the relationship and grab my stuff and climb up that canyon wall to show myself once more that I am worthy of respect, love , honesty, and that I honor someone in my life with those values as well no matter what is to be after we reach each other. It is in fact reaching the inside of another human being and asking them to trust you with there heart and hope that it is something repairable or acceptable and hopefully it will be attainable.
Even if I am to be without my partner under this sunset evening, I will not be in pain without them, I will be in more pain without me. It has taken me forty-six years and two short months to get here.
For readers out there, I can never tell you what time table we are on. I just know if you keep on working on yourself it may not get easier to confront or ask for help. It may feel weird the first time. I don't know yet but I feel apprehention at the same time I am feeling relief. Wow, a positive and a negative feeling all at once. I am sure I will continue with this tomorrow it is an important event for me and I am glad for a place to put it.